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Libulibu Ouchoo OR Singing-in-Tongues

Back in February 2008, Valentina Hasan went viral with her torch-song "Ken Lee" on Bulgarian Idol.
Ms. Hasan stepped up to the gallows, breasts boosted by the number 348 stapled to her silken prom gown.

This spectacularly mistransliterated rendition of "Without You" is incredible. Just watch "Ken Lee" and we'll commence the conversation in 1:14.


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So, we see here:
A. a 10/10 for self-righteous dignity in this performance "Engleski".
B. the Suzuki method in inaction.

I admire this kind of unapologetic lingual mimicry. If I had half the coral-pink guts of this woman I'd be over my stunted Arabic growth by now. Look out Nancy Ajram! I'm coming to get you AND all your adorable cherub-cohorts.

So, while we're on this subject I have two singing-in-a-foreign-language-nuggets for you today.

First the Bendaly Family Singers with "Do You Love Me" replete with the feathering of hair both head and moustache. I need to let you know this is a contender for my favorite song of all time:



and second, I invite you to bask in the soft melodious greys of Dinah Shore's phonetically sponged "Iranian Love Song". I don't speak Farsi but from what I understand in the comment-thread she's not making much sense:




UnderNote:
For more on the perils of singing in someone else's lyrics read Yasutaka Tsutsui's short story "Bear's Wood Main Line" in Salmonella Men on Planet Porno. Best story in the best book I've read all year about a stranger what came to town and sang a curse down on the mountain...with an accident of diction.

Speaking of Japan and cherubs!
Here's Karen Carpenter singing "Sing" in Japanese with a brood of uniformed angelettes.

3rab "Girls on Film"

I never see no Arab girls supermodeling on the international catwalk.

(Invitation for someone to chime-to-the-rescue and negate this post)

You see, I have a theory about why we can't model properly: (why there's an unnaturalness to our striken pose, the wrong swing to our swagger) crippling insecurity.

Imagine a control-situation without the restraints of societal reasoning.
Then it comes down to the more primal impulses to protect-le-face.




It's the sort of 'baba's watching' paranoia that makes you contort yourself into awkward stations-of-the-moss and duck everytime a Nokia Nseries is pointed in your general vacinity.

Last week I had an interesting experience on a stage in front of many cameras with a man of some fame and fortune.

At some point over the course of those interminable 30 seconds on stage, standing prone before 2000 locals with a 50-foot live-cast of my face overhead I realized that a part of my 'win' was due to the fact that none of the other... female-persuaded ... in our videomaking workshops at the Doha Tribeca Film Festival would allow themselves to be photographed.

At one point during our audience with Martin Scorsese, a-girl-who-shall-remain-unnamed and who had put down her niqab special for the occaission turned to me and said, "Scorcese will remember me this way. He's going to know me as the oppressed one."

I sat for a moment, trying to anchor my sliding shala and wished I woulda thought of it...in the same way but not really how I wish I woulda thought of this:

Elias Rahbani & The Eye of His Tiger

I had "Dance of Maria" as a ringtone for 6 months and still, every time I hear it I get the same shiver as Miserlou or any song by The Sonics.

You know the one.
It seemed the only videos of any Rahbani song were either sunsets or scrolling images of Rabani's bald spot so I've remedied his situation by making him a mash-up.

He deserved an exploding video.

One part Rahbani-keyboard, another part Ray Harryhausen and a sprinkling of colorful star-iris transitions.

If I ever had extra cash I'd buy the rights to this track and play it as my life-jam on surgically implanted speakers.

FULLA VS. BARBIE

As per your kind reqvests Hamida, Sousan...

I give you: UPDATE!

Look if you will at these two tiny plastic women.



As if putting on your hijab wasn't crooked enough on a lifesize person with a head of slippery hair, Fulla's duck-bill-style scarf is cockeyed over her loathsome grocery-shopping-matron-in-coat-abaya look.

Fulla also appears to be smuggling eighty layers of 'her indoor clothing'.
At least give the old stick a jungle green Moroccan hoodie-jalabiya.




This is all just a lead up to the meat of this post. the Barbie vs. Fulla debate rages on in a totally senseless wardi-toned romp on the roof of my apartment next to the Cotton Club in Harlem back in 2007.

Twas a lonesome time, I had no friends.

I played with the snow and FinalCut Pro.

Please enjoy INFIDOLL & THE GREAT SATANS: the only Youtube video I ever made that broke 5,000 views.

Well, except for that one that got flagged... oopz. x

Attack of the Diva Bots

“Stardate: 2009 Lady Gaga has been sent to earth to infiltrate human culture one sequin at a time. Activate Camera Probe. ” – Transmission GagaVision

If you haven’t noticed we are currently experiencing an invasion of the Diva Bots. For those of you who need a fake scientific classification: Divacus Robotomus are clawed, armored, laser-visioned versions of our favorite pop stars and they are multiplying by the mixed-down minute.

Of course, the sci-fi link ain't nothing new. Obvious examples: MJ's moonwalking or Sun Ra’s obsession with intergalactic diplomacy, cetra.

The following list I have compiled for your delectation tours you through the glittery fallout.

10. Janelle Monae – Many Moons

In our first entry to the list, Janelle Monae stars as various android versions of herself: the Alpha Platinum 9000. Now it can be assumed the Janelle 9000 has descended from the Andre 3000 as not only is she his protégé in real life, but her moves on the stage as Cindi Mayweather are so “Hey Ya”.

There are strange slave-auction undertones and it gets a bit weird when an autocrat in military finery barges in. But still, Monae stands out from the following list for her unique vision of what being a Fembot might entail: walking a giant Dalmatian, wearing saddle-shoe oxfords and going haywire on stage in a tag-cloud of political keywords.



9. Janet Jackson – Feedback

The Feedback, single off Janet’s album Discipline casts Janet as a vaguely sinister Planetary-Goddess-with-Bangs who passes eternity leaping from dusty yoga-ball to crusty boulder with an entourage of male acrobats in hooded fetish-wear. It could be amazing except I’d rather watch Janet dance with the stars than lunge at them.




8. Lady Gaga – Paparazzi (live)

In the music video for Paparazzi, Lady Gaga, wears a C3P0 inspired golden leotard and helmet. Live: the performance becomes a loose-reenactment of the computer rape of Julie Christie in the 1977 film Demon Seed as LG’s bottom half is folded inside a jagged tangram stage-prop. Hang on for the outro when Gaga goes berserk on what appears to be a Guitarhero guitar.



7. Grace Jones - Corporate Cannibal

Lady Jones is definitely Queen of the DivaBots. But her entry into this list is a fairly recent one: the 2008 Single “Corporate Cannibal”. The song is heavy with talk of man’s evil and an imminent termination. Her alien presence is absolutely terrifying. She is the ultimate black widow spider, I, like most other humans who encounter her music am stunned and mesmerized by her strangeness. This is the power of Grace Jones. In her own words on this track, “I will consume my consumers.”



6. Little Boots – Remedy


Esoteric symbolism of her album covers aside, Little Boots joins the ranks of our Diva Bots with the video for “Remedy” in which Little Boots stars, trapped inside a space-worthy kaleidoscope and entertaining herself with a Tenori-On and strobing neon. I dare you to think of a better premise for a music video.




5. Ciara – Go Girl

Between the grainy security-cam and sun-flare aesthetic of this video and Ciara powering up on a spark-blasting crotch-rocket this video has to be my favorite.
She manages to pull off dancing in clearly restrictive leg-armor and Margiela L’Incognito Sunglasses...er... “Go Girl”.



4. La Roux – Bulletproof

Elly Jackson of La Roux has 'puter-vision in real life. In an interview with MTV she claims that she sees music in patterns as if she’s viewing it in a software program! If that wasn’t enough to convince you, check out the exploding Rubik’s Cube she lives inside.



3. Black Eyed Peas– Boom Boom Pow

I’m only going to refer to Fergie’s segment of the overplayed BEP video because the rest kindof sucks. While the dudes faff about on a matrix grid and try breaking their power-shields (Special Effects stole straight out of 1984 Dune...Moa'Dib!) Fergie powerhouses through the best bit of the song in claws and a military-developed camo-chameleon bodysuit. Pow!




2. Beyonce – Diva (live in Budapest)

The Beyonce/Sasha Fierce double-whammy of the I Am… World Tour (she's coming to Port Ghalib PS) is full of nods to the Fem Bot. The opening animation of the show is of a wintry post-Apocalypse cityscape featuring Beyonce-Bot’s butt and a snow leopard. Then of course there’s her infamous metal hand at the end of “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)”. This live performance of “Diva” in Budapest comes closest to what I want to see these Fembots do: nail an awesome dance routine.



1. Missy Elliot – She’s a Bitch

As usual Missy was ahead of the pack. “She’s A Bitch” (circa 1999) goes from Tron to Westworld to an apocalypse scene with spiky sea-monster backup-dancers burbling up from the depths. This all goes down while Misdemeanor wears those crazy hornet-eye glasses. Ten years on this video still overloads my system.

PS Beyonce totally stole that latex trench coat.

Miss Starlink

Starlink, Your Ad Campaign Makes Me Feel Funny.

Take a moment. Stop laughing. Turn off CSI Miami.



















OK Now cup your chin in the cradle of your fist Silver Fox and think, "What's not right about my advertisement?"



















I'll tell you right now Don Darwish your ad has got two Lebs (one of whom is bulging to the left of his zipper). Let's call them Jacques Sprat and Georges. They sit there thumbing their handys while they trap a woman betwixt them both you see. I get the distinct feeling the dirty old-man photographer picked up all three of these people in a hidden-floor hotel-club here and said, "Hey! Let's make an ad." and lured them all up to his 'studio'.

You can tell from her body language (I know that don't-touch-me-lean where you hover imperceptibly away from his armpit, willing all of your atoms to magnetically reject his) that she didn't know what she was getting into when she was flattered into being a 'model' for a tech company.


She innocently looks on, taking his number in this innocuous hotel lobby with Taiwan-made Swedish furnishings in white adspace world.

I'm not gonna spooge about the politics of this image but I will say there is only one direction the Gulfi mind will go with this ad because sadly this is a familiar scene in the Arab world... albeit not one you want associated with your company's poster presence unless you're the Grand Hyatt...

And I'm sure...even if you don't have a one-track mind preoccupied with Sex and the End of Days (good for you) you can guess what I mean.

I hope Lady Starlink burped in his face and deleted his number.

Ramadan Special # 10

Xena meets Satyricon! What I saw of this show was breathtaking. The 90s special effects, the swordfare, the beardage. It's meant to be Jahilliya (pre-Islamic) Saudi in Abha or somewhere. I'm sleepy tonight but I wanted to point out that the djinn guy looks like a reject alien extra off Blakes 7. Only a few nights of Ramadan left ya bezran.





OK this is totally off piste but can't help it. I'm having a bout of YouTube tourettes!
Blakes 7 was my favorite programming for a whole year and a half of lonely lonely Jr. High. For those of you who don't know me...my fashion sense is plagiarised off the back of the glambot-terroristador Servalan. Or at least it will be once I find the right forest locale with the properly accessorized henchwomen. OH! I still want to BE her. Is that a Super 8?



Oh Avon! I can't believe at 14 I was lusting for the guy.

Ramadan Special # 9

I've been thinking lately about how beardy Muslim men are always cast as scary Rasputin-types (I love that there is a Rasputin type in this world but still).

It doesn't matter if he's "ho-ho-hoing" and has a belly that shakes like a bowl full of Bahraini Halwa, the wiry black bramble gives him that certain "scream-and-runaway" vibe.

It's not so much the terrorist thing...I feel the same way about Rob Zombie.
He'd be just as likely as a Saudi Mutawwa to go after you with a riding crop for your poof.

But on TV I've been noticing friendly Imams and I like that. Zebeibas are going out of fashion and it's not the Televangelist Amr Khaled type stuff. This guy on MBC reminds me of Mr. Rogers without the cardigan. He has a show called Keyf Ttludhdh Salah "How to Savor your Prayers". Look at his gentle smile and his Hawaiian hibiscus backdrop and inviting yoga balls and think, "Hey, maybe my prayers do need a little imagineering.".

PS Read Mona El Tahawy's article about how the absence of Shiny Happy Muslims.

Special Announcement

We apologize for this interruption in your Ramadan programming. However I would like to announce that my video THE RACER has made it's debut in the W Hotel here in sandy sweet Doha AND it's now online at the Doha Tribeca Film Festival Website!

Please watch it and let me know what you think.